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A pastor’s prayer for Monday morning

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Lord, I probably shouldn’t take Mondays off. Too much of today is filled with yesterday. What good is a day away if it’s filled with thoughts about what’s already happened and can’t be changed?

I loved being at church yesterday. So that’s good. I can’t always say that on Mondays, but I can today. Small blessings.

I can’t say much about yesterday’s sermon. It probably could have used more work, but you hear me say that most weeks and are probably tired of it. Am I right? I’ll try to be less critical of myself. But getting rid of those perfectionist tendencies has become a lifelong project. I could use some help. This is going to take some divine intervention.

I loved the music yesterday. Organ, flute, piano, all in various combinations.

Also, we sing all of my favorites on Christ the King. We missed “Crown Him with Many Crowns” this year, but happily no one complained (although that email may still arrive later today).

Following the church calendar is important to me, but I have a nagging suspicion that it doesn’t mean much to you. Anything I should know about that? Advent? Lent? Will there be much of that in the life after this? Christ the King helps me to remember that this victory I am looking forward to has already been won, and I need the reminder, even though you don’t.

Sometimes I get confused about what’s supposed to happen in worship. I love singing certain songs, not others, but I don’t usually think about what pleases you. If it pleases me, does it please you? A lot of things please me that surely don’t please you, so there must be more to think about than my feelings.

Or maybe I should think less on Mondays and enjoy the day more. I suppose that’s what would please you most, enjoying this gift you have given me. I’ll try to do that.

And thank you for listening. I need that.

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(Photos: That photo at the top of this post got my attention last Saturday. I didn’t need my German-English dictionary to understand it. I was on what was for me a new mountain path, along with eight other men from my church. Happily, I can report that no rocks fell on us. The next photo gives our location, and the photo at the bottom shows some of Switzerland’s tallest mountains in the distance. A beautiful day.)

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Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt

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I woke up in the dark this morning, which is not unusual at this time of year. Daylight hours always seem more precious right about now. I grabbed my camera – and the dog, who didn’t have to be asked twice – and headed up the mountain behind my village to the Pfannenstiel.

Walking, trekking, hiking, climbing – I don’t think the people I meet long the way are all that particular about how they describe this activity. Whatever it’s called, we do it because we love it.

We say a friendly “greutzi” to each other when we meet and keep going. I always smile too, as I say it, and the other hikers know from the toothy grin that I’m an American who has become lost on a Swiss mountain.

I know the path I’m on quite well by now and have even tried a few of the paths that seem to head off in odd directions. Remarkably, I always seem to end up again on the main path. And of course when that happens I make the obvious spiritual connection. This has been the story of my life. God has never let me wander too far off the main path.

Over the years I have collected various sayings and aphorisms about ministry from those who have practiced ministry a lot longer than I have. Early on I even put them together in a book that made a lot of money for my publisher and not nearly as much for me.

I am now beginning to do the same with hiking – collecting sayings, that is, not making money for my publisher.

“Anywhere is ‘within walking distance,’ if you’ve got the time” is one of my favorites.

I’ll never forget Yogi Berra’s line. The famous twentieth century theologian once said, “When you get to the fork in the road, take it.”

The veteran Mount Everest climber, Ed Viesturs, wisely said, “Getting to the top of the mountain is optional. Getting down is mandatory.” That one is the sort of quote that makes an amateur like me sound as though I know what I’m doing.

“In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks.” I’m not sure who first said that, but it must be something every hiker believes.  For me the walk is spiritual. It’s prayer time. It’s time to think through next Sunday’s sermon. And it’s also time to get a grip on the fears and worries that always seem ready to hijack my life.

“It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves,” said Sir Edmund Hillary.

And with each step I hope I am closer to the conquest.

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What I learned at seminary

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Have I mentioned before how difficult theological training was for me, how uncomfortable seminary education made me feel pretty much on a daily basis? And I don’t mean the academic work, although that was challenging enough.

Theological training – going to seminary – is often one of the most difficult experiences there is in education, and that’s counterintuitive, I suppose, because most people probably think seminary is like one big Sunday school – with snacks and craft projects and loving moms who teach. In other words, just like Sunday School – only better.

But, curiously, that’s not what I found.

In fact, there were no snacks or craft projects or loving moms anywhere to be found. There were no flannel boards to illustrate Old Testament stories.

What happened instead – and this is probably not what happens in the sciences or business administration – what happened instead was an immediate confrontation, a confrontation with everything I had ever been taught, with everything I had ever believed, with everything I previously thought.

I could be wrong, but I don’t think chemistry does that. Or tax law.

I could give plenty of examples. I don’t think there was a single lecture in “Introduction to the Old Testament,” for example, after which I did not go back to my dormitory room in a cold sweat, sorting out what I believed.

For me the hardest, most difficult, most challenging classes of all were in preaching, so of course that’s what I decided to concentrate in.

I grew up with an outstanding preacher. The preacher in my childhood was like a theologian in residence. He studied all week in his office on the top floor. And on Sunday he appeared and preached brilliant sermons.

And so, not surprisingly, that’s how I imagined myself.

But church life turned out to be so much different from what I expected. Spending all week in my top floor office, keeping my Hebrew and Greek up to date, was not going to work in the church into which I was ordained.  I quickly discovered that no one much cared about my biblical language skills.

And preaching, I soon discovered, was not limited to those weekly appearances on Sunday mornings. I soon found myself offering words of comfort and hope in hospital rooms, funeral homes, assisted living facilities, and even the prisons where my church members went to visit each week.

No prison inmate has ever asked me about the meaning of a word in the original language. I was always ready with the answer, but the question was never asked.

The people I found in church (and other places) wanted someone who knew them, someone who understood a little about their lives. They wanted someone who knew what it was like to be tested, to have failed, to have been beaten up a little. Unexpectedly, that’s what the “Introduction to the Old Testament” did for me.

My theological training did exactly what it was supposed to do. It took my Sunday School faith and made it grow up. I will always be grateful.

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Impressions of Switzerland after (nearly) nine months

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  1. People want to know if I like living here, and I usually say, ‘what’s not to like?’ Truthfully, I understand why so many people who plan to come to Switzerland for only a short time tend to stay much, much longer, eventually getting their Swiss citizenship and relinquishing their U.S. passport. Most days it’s like living a dream.
  1. I have stopped trying to have fun at the expense of the Swiss. Remember my ‘überpünktlich’ post from my first months here, what I thought was gentle teasing about how time conscious most Swiss are? No more of that. Why? I find that I don’t like the comments I hear from the Swiss about the U.S., so have decided to apply some version of the Golden Rule. I wish the worst thing I could say about Americans is that they look at their watches too much. You should hear what I hear.
  1. Does that mean I have no complaints about Switzerland? I didn’t say that. I am growing weary, for example, of the many speeding tickets I seem to be accumulating. For going 33 kph in a 30 kph zone. Really? Before I go completely broke, paying these 40 CHF fines, I need to find out where those cameras are and calculate alternate routes.
  1. The Swiss are good drivers. They tend to tailgate a lot, but that may be because I’ve had to slow down to a crawl. (Have my American readers made the conversion to realize how slow 30 kph really is?)
  1. I’m remembering all the times I heard as a child in school about the U.S. being ‘the greatest democracy in the world.’ I’m starting to think the people who said that never spent much time outside the U.S.
  1. I’m also remembering all the times I heard that the church in Europe is dead. Where did that ever come from? Not from anyone who has ever spent any time here. Missionaries arrive daily from the U.S. to ‘reach the unreached,’ which is wonderful, but based on what information? I think American tourists like to visit the great cathedrals of Europe and then conclude that the church on this continent has no future. What those tourists seem to miss are the many vibrant, active, growing Christian communities here, like the church I serve, for example. The church appears to be very much alive, thank you very much.
  1. American popular music is ubiquitous. (And not only that, it’s everywhere.) Turn on the car radio, and there it is. Evidence of American popular culture is all around – not only the music, but also Starbucks, Burger King, and the big Apple store on Bahnhofstrasse, one of the nicer streets for shopping in Zürich. I tend to avoid all of it, except for the car radio (listening to the news is important for my language learning).
  1. Still haven’t met Heidi. (Or Tina Turner.)
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The un-churched and the de-churched

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I should not have been surprised as a new pastor that there would be some parts of the job that I liked and found energizing, while there would be other parts that I did not.

True of any job, right?

From my earliest days of ministry, I have enjoyed meeting, getting to know, and working with new church members. They almost always show up with smiles and energy and, if I’m lucky, with little baggage.

We call them the un-churched, and under our careful leadership they get churched.

Early on I thought, “Well, this is my true calling. This is what God has uniquely gifted me to do. Billy Graham and me, and maybe one or two others!”

After a few years of ministry I should confess that the reason I like this part of the job is because it’s easy. People on the way in are always easier to work with than people on the way out.

The part of the job that I never liked, that I have found de-motivating, was working with the de-churched, people who for one reason or another were fed up with the church – sometimes just my church, but often with most churches.

I remember coming to a new church several years ago – a church that advertised itself as having 2000 members – and at my first board meeting a motion was made to remove hundreds of names from our active rolls (and hundreds more from our inactive rolls). It must have been one of the largest purges of membership rolls in the history of the church.

I felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me. And no else around the table seemed to blink an eye.

At first I stuttered and stammered. I wondered what had been done to contact these people. The chairperson of the membership committee looked wearily at me and said, “Would you like to call on a few of these people? I’m sure a few of them would be receptive to a visit.”

Here’s what I was thinking: Would I like to call on these people? No, I would not. Do you really think I would like fill up every free evening between now and Easter with a visit to people who are hurt, angry, turned off, fed up, or just plain sick of the church? No, I have better, happier things to do.

But here’s what I said: “Sure, give me a few names. And while you’re at it, pass the rest of the list around so that we can do this together.”

No one looked happy. I’m sure I didn’t either.

And at that point I decided that we should pray. I prayed that the holy Spirit would pour out on us that rare spiritual gift of being able to keep our mouths shut, while the people on our lists spoke to us from their hearts.

My thinking hasn’t changed much over the years about what is fun (and what is not) in my job. What has changed is the growing realization that to be a pastor – to be a shepherd – means finding the sheep who get lost along the way. It’s not fun, but it’s important.

(Photo: This one is definitely from deep in the archives. That’s where I lived when I served my church in Wheaton. Tree Tops Lane is the best street name I’ve ever known, though I don’t miss the leaf raking.)

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History walk

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(Stephens G. Lytch, who wrote the following post, is a seminary classmate and friend. He and I first met at Princeton Theological Seminary in the fall of 1975 – on the third floor of Alexander Hall, for those of you who know the campus and still like to argue about the best residence halls. His path and mine have crossed often over the years, and the friendship has deepened. Since he mentions my wife and one of her previous careers in this guest post, I should mention that his wife is a Presbyterian pastor and is now president of Lancaster Theological Seminary in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I could not have imagined nearly 40 years ago that Steve and I would one day be commenting on the many losses in life we’ve experienced and our mutual hope in the resurrection. Thanks for the thoughtful – and hopeful – response, Steve.)  

On Saturday my wife and I took a History Walk sponsored by the local historical society. The theme was repurposing. We went to 20 buildings that had been repurposed and renovated for new uses. Many of the sites were old tobacco warehouses. One had been repurposed into an architect’s office. One is now the Lancaster Arts Hotel. Another is the costume repository for the Fulton Theater. One is condos and a candy factory. A brewery and tavern have been converted into a French restaurant. A carriage house has become an office that houses a travel agency.

The day before taking this tour Doug posted a blog lamenting the losses that come with turning 60. His greatest grief is losing the immersion in the life of his girls who are now accomplished young women. They have grown into everything he wanted them to be, but they are no longer the intimate part of his life they were when they lived at home.

Maybe the task of this time in life is repurposing the old structures – something Doug’s wife Susan must know about, having done a stint as a house flipper during the boom. Granted, part of the charm of those old buildings is that they still have quirky traits. Several of them have preserved quaint features, like freight elevators operated by rope pulleys, which are now interesting but useless. But others have taken the essence of why they were built and given it new life. An old dry goods warehouse is perfect for its new occupant, an open space office for independent contractors and entrepreneurs who thrive on the interactions that workplaces without walls provide. The ballroom on the top floor of the former girls’ school where young ladies were prepared for their debut will be a perfect venue for elegant receptions with its intricate plaster molding and stunning cityscapes.

The joy of being a grandfather doesn’t remove the ache to have my own children woven into my daily life. The death of parents and even friends reveals undiscovered layers of sadness. But those layers of sadness sometimes give shading to the more intense joy I now experience in things like noticing the blood moon, Psalm 139, and catnaps. Proverbs touts wisdom as more precious than gold, but sometimes the price of wisdom is knowledge – you know more and that is sometimes depressing.

I’m not sure I have enough confidence in humanity or the world that I could see much value in those changes without the resurrection. Knowing that we will be raised (repurposed?) gives hope that there is more than one use in a house (even one not made with hands) that has good bones.

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The best decade

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A friend once told me that when he reached his 60s he enjoyed the best decade of his life.

His 60s, he said, felt like a reward for years of raising children, building a career, and working hard. His boys were married, having children of their own and enjoying successful careers. His long-term marrige was stable – and, though you can never be absolutely sure about these things, seemingly happy. His career was at the point where he could slow down a bit and work fewer hours, while still enjoying his role as the founder of his professional practice. With all of that, his health was good too.

And – I almost forgot – he had a nice place at the lake to which he and his wife retreated most weekends for reading, walking, and quiet evenings by the fireplace.

So, good for him, right?

As I enter my 60s – reluctantly, but without much choice in the matter – I find that I am enjoying a few of those same things. Not all, but some. (Going away for the weekend has, in my line of work, never been part of my life.)

But here’s the thing, and if you’ve read this far, you must have anticipated something like this: It’s not all good.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am more grateful than I can say for everything I have. I am blessed in ways I could not have imagined. I am in the rare position right now of being able to live a lifelong dream. But – how do I say this without seeming ungrateful? –  it’s not all good.

In fact, I am beginning to wonder about that idyllic picture of this stage of life that my friend once painted for me. I don’t think he was telling me everything.

I had a moment yesterday that I should have ignored, but I couldn’t. It was a moment of grief and sadness. More than a twinge, it was more like a wave that washed over me and left me feeling unexpectedly low.

My girls who for 20 years were pretty much my whole life are now gone. They are doing all the things I dreamed for them – and more – so that’s not the problem. I am prouder, as a matter of fact, than anyone can possibly imagine. The problem is that chapter of my life is now closed, and I miss it terribly. I miss them. If I could, I would do it all over again, including the worries and sleepless nights that are inevitably a part of raising children.

But I realize that those times are now gone. They are not coming back. And I know that I’m terribly selfish for wanting them back.

I try to live in the present. I want to be grateful for this moment and all of its wonder and potential. And mostly I am.

I am beginning to see, though, that at this stage of life the losses become more apparent. They add up and accumulate. The little ones, the big ones, they can’t be ignored.

They don’t diminish the joy, but they certainly balance it.

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A burning fire shut up in my bones

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If I say, “I will not mention him,
    or speak any more in his name,”
then within me there is something like a burning fire
    shut up in my bones;
I am weary with holding it in,
    and I cannot.  Jeremiah 20:9

 

It’s a funny thing, this preaching life.

I didn’t want it when I started. I resisted as much as I have resisted anything in my life. I was willing to do just about anything but getting up in front of a group of people on Sunday morning.

To make matters worse, I wasn’t particularly promising with my first effort. There was the preaching class at seminary, of course, which was bad enough, but there was also that first church where I preached. If some people resigned their memberships that day when I preached my first sermon, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

In an act of grace and compassion, however, my supervisor never told me. I learned later, several years later, that people looked around when I was finished and wondered, “What was that?” Not disapproval so much as disbelief. They weren’t even sure it was a sermon.

I clearly had a long way to go.

But I kept at it. I don’t know why. Maybe it was God’s determination to have me, the way God has been determined down through the centuries to have countless others like me.

Whatever it was, I made myself do it. For a number of years I remember arriving at the church on Sunday mornings before dawn to preach my sermon over and over to an empty sanctuary. Getting there before the custodian was always a challenge, but I did it. I can’t think of anything in my life I’ve ever been so determined to do.

Now, more than 30 years have passed, and – strangely, oddly – I can’t imagine another life for myself. This way of life I resisted for so long has become so much a part of me that I actually look forward to it each week. I miss it when I don’t do it. I squirm uncomfortably when I have to listen to others do it – not because they’re bad, but because I feel deep inside as though I should be doing it.

On Saturday mornings, when I feel as though the next day’s sermon will finally preach, I do a fist pump and let out a yell, the way an athlete would who scored the winning goal or who broke the tape at the end of a marathon. Even the dog doesn’t jump anymore when I do it.

But I do it out of a sense of joy and satisfaction and gratitude.  What a privileged life.

(Photo: That’s the medieval fortress on the banks of Lake Geneva near Montreux known as Chateau de Chillon. I was there Monday, and – yes – it’s that beautiful.)

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Hiking in Switzerland, ctd

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On the mountain ridge, known as the Pfannenstiel (or pan handle), behind our village is a nice, easily accessible hiking trail. On one side you can see Lake Zurich, and on the other the Greifensee, another beautiful body of water. Mostly, though, you see wooded areas with an occasional farm and obligatory cow.

Early this morning I took the dog and my new camera to the top – 853 meters (2799 feet) – and walked. I thought the fog and lack of sun would ruin my chances for good photos, but fog, as it turns out, can be a photographer’s friend.

Am I a photographer? Well, yes. I own a camera, and I have viewed a few tutorials on YouTube. How much is there to know?

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Quite a lot, actually. Getting aperture, shutter speed, and ISO to work together, plus focussing, plus keeping the dog out of the shot – all of that requires a fair amount of skill and patience. I’m learning.

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I’m also aware now – in a way I never was previously – that photographs often get a great of attention in the post-production phase. In other words, once I’ve downloaded them the real fun begins. There is so much that can be done to a photograph after clicking the shutter that I have become suspicious of every photograph I’ve seen in the last 20 years.

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In addition to the walking and picture taking, there was time to think and pray. I also managed to think through my sermon for tomorrow, as well as my faith and science class. Oh, and I yelled at the dog a couple of times too, which felt good. Happy wandering!

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When people listen to a sermon

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A seminary professor once told my class that pastors aren’t fired for heresy anymore, they’re fired for incompetence.

I wasn’t entirely sure what that meant.

Was he saying that people don’t care anymore about heresy? I don’t think he meant to say that. Or that they wouldn’t recognize a heretical statement if they heard one? Maybe that’s closer to the truth, but not a very generous comment about church people.

More likely, though, he was trying to encourage us to be capable pastors.

Sound pastoral work, together with capable administration and a good work ethic, would probably be more important to most church people than flawless theological thinking.

It’s hard to know sometimes what people are listening for when they listen to me. I don’t think many people listen for theological gaffes, though one or two people along the way thought they detected in my preaching some minor deviation from strict Reformed or Calvinist thinking. In those situations, I think I remember feeling grateful for the theological reflection shared over a cup of coffee.

Based on the comments and feedback I get most of the time, I think people seldom, if ever, listen for theology, and I shouldn’t be surprised.

After my very first sermon, preached to a classroom with fellow students, a moment in my life if there ever was one when I needed some solid, constructive feedback, the comment I remember best had to do with the suit I was wearing. My preaching professor obviously didn’t care much for the three-piece brown corduroy ensemble that actually made noise as I strode to the pulpit. In his comments after the sermon, he sarcastically thanked me for my ‘sartorial splendor.’

I am well aware that he had a point. He also inadvertently prepared me for the future.

Comments about my preaching since that first shaky effort in the seminary classroom have mostly been along the same lines – my pronunciation of certain words, the speed at which I speak, the length of my hair, the color of my tie, the beard I brought back from summer vacation, etc. One person disliked the beard so much that he handed me a disposable razor at the door and told me to ‘use it.’

In the last few years, another kind of feedback has emerged. People in the pews use their cell phones in order to be my fact checkers. If I mention a book, a date in history, an author’s name, I will know, in painful detail, what Wikipedia has to say about that fact by the time I am finished greeting people at the door after church.

Last Sunday I mentioned in my sermon that I tend to see God at work in my life when I look in the rear-view mirror. Seeing evidence of God’s guiding hand in my life is always easier that way than seeing it in the present moment. I’m not especially proud of that, I said, but that’s my experience. That’s who I am.

I was hoping a few people would say, ‘I can relate to that. That’s my experience too!’

Interestingly, though by now it shouldn’t be surprising, it was that comment that prompted most of the comments at the door – not my helpful new insights on the doctrine of general revelation. So, conversation quickly veered from the value and limits of God’s revelation in the world around us to the pastor’s spiritual life which, many agreed, could use some help.

It’s an endlessly interesting thing, the pastor’s life. I’ll say this much: I’m never bored. I seldom think anymore about my theological orthodoxy, but I pay careful attention to what I wear. And of course to regular shaving.

(Photo: That’s the French Reformed Church in Zurich where morning worship is held. Our congregation shares the space with a French-speaking congregation. Though I am very nearly fluent in German by now, worship at the International Protestant Church is in English.)

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